In this issue: Erik comments on the activity agent problem:
                    Deep gives a lesson or two on whale watching the right way!:
                    Lahaina Cooler's commercial /tribute to the whale watch Captain:
                    Friends don't let friends wear speedos:

     Well, well, well, So many people in Lahaina laughed hysterically when they read following letter that I just had to write about it for this month’s Anchor Drags. Now for those of you not familiar, or if you don’t have to deal with them in your daily life, I’ll tell you all about activity agents. If you’ve been here you've seen them on the corner of every street, in every little hut, selling timeshare presentations. They're the people trying to get you to buy their activities, bugging you as you walk down front street with your families. Oh, everyone here is sooo nice on Maui!

     Well next time you’re here, ask someone, anyone, who isn’t one of them what they think. Want to make it fun? Ask someone in Lahaina harbor. Activity agents are liked somewhere right up there with jock itch and for good reason. Now of course there are exceptions to this rule. Who am I kidding, no there aren’t. As you’ll see in the anonymous letter below one of our local waiters/waitresses finally had enough. You see, activity agents get all kinds of snorkel trips/ diving charters/ whale watches/ and restaurant meals for free in the hopes that they will enjoy your trip/restaurant and book more clients.  Yet they are also the most obnoxious, cheap bunch of non-tipping pains in the ass to have on board or at your table. Most have only been on the island a few weeks and have no idea what the hell they’re talking about. Some can’t get any other jobs and again, have no idea what the hell they’re talking about. And the rest… let me see, that actually covers the 99% of them. Now of course the unwritten rule that the rest of us know is that if you get anything complimentary (a beer, a snorkel trip, etc) you tip. Miss that one? YOU TIP. Have a couple beers that weren’t on the bill? Come into the harbor late because you chased dolphins for an extra half hour? Yes that’s right, the tip gets bigger (and I’m not talking a $5 bill for a free $74 trip).  Hell, the Captain isn't getting paid more for his extra effort.  But the activity agents aren't just horrendous tippers, they don't tip at all and everyone here knows it.  That’s why no one here likes them.  That and the fact that most of them don't know their asses from Molokini.  If I had a dollar for every time one of my customers was "guaranteed we would swim with dolphins" I’d be rich.

      So as I sit here chuckling over Activity-Agent Ass-kisser-No-More’s open letter I wonder. Should I be giving them that much crap for being the way they are? You know it might come around back to me and affect my tips. Hell, I doubt it, they never tipped before anyway!

                                           Always remember: Book Direct!
 

The following letter was sent to the editor at Maui Time Magazine:

     What the hell is wrong with you activity agents? You all have the privilege of eating in our restaurants for 50% off, and doing all the activities Maui has to offer for free and you still don't tip!!
     You people walk around like you're Kings & Queens expecting VIP treatment, and why? Just because you slime balls sling activities as lures to time share presentations? Oh that is a high level job. And after we have to apply all kinds of ass-kissing to your meal that you think you deserve (but actually our bosses tell us we have to) THEN YOU STIFF US!! Who are you people?
     What you don't realize is that you are a mutant breed that can be spotted from a mile away, as you scramble at the bottom of the food chain for your crumbs.
     Just so you know, the next time you have no money in your pocket and want a decent meal but can't afford it 'cause you worked all week and made no money, don't come out, we don't want your business, no matter what we might say to your face. Here's a tip: gather your other mutants to your house and enjoy cup-o-noodles and generic lite-beer.
- Activity Agent Ass-kisser No More!
 
                    How big do they make these damn things?

This next cartoon I have shamelessly stolen from Chip Dunham.  Chip's one of my favorite cartoonists.  I've been reading overboard for years and he keeps getting funnier.
Overboard: By Chip Dunham

 Too Long on the Island,
                                By Captain Steve "Deep Banana" Panetta
 
Ok Whale fans, Deep here,
     As Whale season rapidly approaches Maui County, boat captains are gearing up for what will hopefully be a very prosperous winter. They are lining up the boats that they will be driving throughout the season and furiously maintaining them to make sure that they are in tiptop condition. There will not be much time for that once whale season arrives and the boats are operating from sunrise to sunset.
     In the mid nineties I operated a 100 ton vessel called the Coral See, and although it was hard work the benefits were very rewarding. Being out on the clear blue sea while the majestic humpback whale glides across the bow of the vessel is quite an exhilarating experience. I used to go up on the top deck of the Coral See so that I could get a birds eye view of the beautiful creatures. Needless to say I have taken lots of magnificent pictures. I've included a couple.

     If you are lucky enough to get out to Maui for this whale season , I would like to share a couple of tips to help enhance your whale watch so that it will always be an experience to remember.

#1. Always pick a boat with a bar that serves rum. (Especially true for the young ladies.)
#2. Choose a boat that has a large bow area so that you can get a good view of the whales as they approach the vessel. (Especially true for the young ladies.)
#3. When the Captain hollers "THAR SHE BLOWS!!!" run to the bow rail as fast as you can to get a good spot and lean as far over the bow rail as possible in order to obtain the best view. Especially the young ladies.
#4. Go get another rum! ESPECIALLY the young ladies.
#5. Repeat #'s 3 and 4 until the captain asks you to sit on his lap and drive the boat.  Especially the young ladies.
#6. Have the time of your life.
                                                       
     Now that you have your whale watching tips your ready to have a successful whale watch so get out to Maui and let's have some!!! Until next month.
                                                          Yours truly,
                                                                        Capt Deep 

     The owners of Lahaina Coolers Restaurant, Steve and Dan, have contributed one of their fine radio commercials dedicated to the hard working whale watch boat captains world wide!
                         Mr Whalewatch Boat Captain mp3
 
 
Need to e-mail Deep with some feed back?
                               Let him have it at:   deep_banana@excite.com