In this issue:

1. Erik cuts through the B.S.
2. Recently on Maui...
3. Pirate Girl explains the pirate history of the Whaleshark logo...
(Jad pay attention)
4. Deep does nothing again... but with style!

Cutting Through the B.S.

OK so it’s time again for this month’s “As the Anchor Drags”column. Every month of course I have a hard time coming up with something refreshing or exciting to write about. It’s easy to think of a million things as your month progresses, but when it comes time to type I always seem to draw a blank. Not so today! My topic du jour you ask? Advertising. Yes advertising. Have you ever wondered why a red marker can’t be marketed as “A Red Marker”? Last night for example, Tatiana and I shared a great bottle of premium sake. I went to the store, bought the bottle and took it home. It wasn’t until I got home and I read the back label which read something like this… “So and So’s Sake is a refreshing blend of aromatic bouquets which upon touching the tongue will blossom into a flavorful expression of dew like mist” (Oh but it gets better). “Served chilled, so and so’s sake will aromatically (yes they used it twice) plunder your senses into a majestic palate of berries and loam (Loam? Don’t you plant things in loam?)” “However, served at 95 degrees Fahrenheit, (thank goodness for this specification. I wouldn’t want to boil my sake at centigrade temperatures), its warm bodied texture will delight your senses in aromatic (I shit you not) pleasure. Alright cut the crap already. It’s a bottle of sake. It was a nice bottle of sake I’ll give you that, but let’s be real. It cost me $8.99! Nothing that costs $8.99 deserves that amount of horseshit on its label. There comes a point where too much makes you just look stupid.

So onto my column… I’m flying, reading the visitors manual in the seat pocket in front of me. I’m of course curious as to what is going on in Maui this month so I check it out. Here’s the bunch of crap that I discovered. I’ll relay it word for word and then translate it into reality. Here we go…

1) The Quote: The “Heavenly Road to Hana”- The turns and lookouts are “THE experience! Hana has things to do and beyond is more: Wailua falls and the famed Oheo pools.” Boy that sounds like something I want to do. The Translation: “In a mere 4 hours of driving 20 mph with your car-sick kids in the back seat, you’ll experience a beautiful scenic lookout, followed by 415 more of the exact same scenic lookouts that will leave you wondering when in the hell this god damn road ends. You won’t be sure when you get to Hana, only when you’ve definitely passed it. You’ll probably miss the Wailua falls but you may see one on the side of the road that will leave you wondering if those were actually it. In a little while you won’t care anyway and you’ll be convinced that they all look the same anyhow. You’ll then see a bunch of cars parked on the left side of the road. Not knowing why they are there exactly, you’ll pull over assuming every one else knows something you don’t. They don’t either but hey! You’ve found the “Seven Sacred Pools”. After walking down the 50 yard trail you’ll come to the other 400 tourists staring into those stagnant pools of green water .”

2) The Quote: Haleakala- means “House of the Sun” and it swallows sunrises like a giant glass of orange juice. Seek the summit to look into its three mile deep chasm. Look for the endangered silversword and see your shadow ringed by a rainbow in a phenomenon known as Spector of the Brocken. Coast the slopes of a dormant volcano on a downhill bike cruise. The Translation. “Wake up at 2:00 am on your vacation because someone said it’s a cool thing to do. Sit in a van with a bunch of other tired people who are supposed to be enjoying themselves and drive for about 3 hours in the dark up a hill. Marvel in the sunrise as it’s obscured by the clouds. Shiver as you freeze your ass off at 10,000 feet while the couple staying in the room next to you slumbers peacefully. After getting over your disappointment of not seeing the sunrise, hop aboard a crappy bicycle dressed in silly yellow raingear (it will be raining soon) and wear a big ass helmet for your 15mph bike ride down a hill. Don’t pass anyone or you will be made to ride in the chase van with the uncoordinated old lady who hasn’t ridden a bike since there was one big wheel in the front and a little one in the back.

3) The Quote: Up country Maui- The cool climed (and this word was taken from the magazine but to my knowledge it isn’t a word) slopes of Haleakala are flanked by vineyards, ranches and farms. Away from the beach, Makawao, Ulupalakua and Kula offer a different Maui experience. The Translation: It looks like Idaho.

4) The Quote: Snorkel Molokini- This pristine, crescent shaped islet lies just 3 miles off the coast, and is a thriving preserve alive with tropical marine life. Declared a State marine Life Conservation District in 1977, Molokini is considered one of the islands top snorkel destinations. Activity boats offer daily snorkel trips to see the more than 250 species of fish. The Translation: (And probably one of my biggest pet peeves), Snorkel Molokini- it used to be pristine, before people discovered snorkeling. Throughout the 1970’s, 80’s, and 90’s, unscrupulous or just down right ignorant charter boats and crew incorporated fish feeding into their snorkel charters to give people a fast cheap thrill instead of educating themselves and then their passengers about the extremely delicate coral reef ecosystem and its inhabitants. The Hawaiian Islands have the most endemic species of fish in the world, however you won’t be seeing anywhere near 250 species at Molokini. Thanks to years of cheap reef abuse and over use by charter boats carrying up to 149 passengers per trip (a total of about 2000 people a day in the small crater), you will see a beautiful example of dead coral rubble whose beauty is only paled by the 5 species of triggerfish and chubs that you will see as they swim up to the stern of your boat looking for handouts. It is however one of the islands top snorkel destinations. Your trip will be disappointing, but it is true that a lot of people will go there. Yes, a whole lot of people will be going there! Environmentally speaking, it’s a great way to use an entire vacation day to lose faith in humanity. And of course a second destination is usually offered during the Molokini snorkel trip. You will drive back to a Maui snorkel spot where you will see the Hawaiian Green Sea Turtles. A threatened species, these turtles bask in the water in front of the hotels and golf courses where they frolic their Fibrillopapalomatosis (aka viral tumor) covered bodies as your kids tug on their flippers. Ahhhhh yes! I love Molokini!

Somehow again my column has taken a slightly negative slant as you should be able to recognize. It isn’t that I’m against a company making a buck doing what they do, but (and again, excuse the expression) if I wanted smoke up my ass then I’d sit on a campfire. If you have a good product, then you have a good product. If your product kind of sucks, then make it better and don’t lie in your advertising telling me it’s something it isn’t. Thanks to all of the full of shit people, I have a hard time booking something fun when I go anywhere. Fortunately, living on Maui has given me a sort of “bullshit radar” that comes in handy wherever I go. I will keep making strides to decipher the B.S. but I can only take one activity at a time. If you are coming to Maui anytime soon and have read something that you would like to do, e-mail me at (thewhaleshark@yahoo.com) and I will either do it, or I’ll look into it and give you my humble opinion. More importantly, I’ll post it here in the “As the Anchor Drags” newsletter for the whole world to read! Until then, don’t fall prey to completely stupid nonsense advertising that was written by a dumbass who thinks he’s a Hemingway.

P.S. Remember, I may be a dumbass too, but I’m not trying to sell you anything. I’m just trying to keep us all thinking…

Just A Bad Day to be a Turtle...

Ok, So first i'll give you the story that was printed in the Maui news...

Now don't read this column yet if you haven't read the newspaper story. Now this is my second month with a newspaper story involving sharks. First of all, that really stinks for the turtle. However, as I've tried to explain before, turtles are what tiger sharks eat (at least one of the many things they eat) so it's better that it decided to chomp down on some turtle than let's say... me. A half of a turtle washing up on the beach will make anyone wary of swimming in the ocean and it'll definitely make you think a little bit. When I read this story for the first time and then looked at the pictures, I got a very different response than most people. If you click on the thumbnail of the turtle below, you'll notice that the animal doesn't just have a couple of tumors (Fibrillopapiloma), it is almost completely covered with them. This is a viral disease that cause tumors to grow all over the turtle's fleshy parts, frequently around the eyes. As they grow, the tumors act like blinders obscuring vision until the animal is nearly blind and cannot defend itself. The shark then gets an easy meal. The part that bothers me is that here in Hawaii, it's apparently a big mystery why the turtles (who live on the edges of well fertilized golf courses, resort hotels, and humanity in general) get this affliction. Well in the last seven years of my daily life as a charter boat Captain and crew, I've had the pleasure of getting paid to snorkel just about the entire coastline of both Maui and Lanai. Yes, I know there are harder jobs than that for sure. Oddly enough, not once have I or anyone I know seen a turtle on the coast of the barely inhabited island of Lanai with this affliction. Hmmmm... I wonder if there's any correlation... Fertilizer 3 feet from the ocean? Could the sewage be the reason? How about a million bottles of sunblock a year in the ocean? Alas, this story definitely got me a thinkin'!

The Story of the Pirate John Rackham a.k.a. Calico Jack

By The Pirate Girl

Ever wonder who the Pirate is who is behind the Whaleshark’s pirate skull and sword logo? Well, it was a very very long time ago when pirates displayed a flag on their ships to serve as intimidation, recognition and their willingness to fight. The skull and cross swords that we wear on our Whaleshark shirts (and are the envy of all at the bar) came from no other than the not-really-that-infamous, John Rackham, otherwise known as Calico Jack. He was the first pirate to display crossed cutlasses rather than bones. And the story of said pirate is short, sweet, without flair and goes something like this...

Calico Jack is remembered most for and because of, his favorite clothing and his female crewmembers than for his mediocre accomplishments as a pirate. A fancy dresser among pirates, he always wore an outfit made from calico, a type of cotton that was found in Calcutta, India.

He was Charles Vane’s quartermaster in the Bahamas in 1718. Vane fired an attack on a French vessel that happened to be a warship, and to make a long story short, the result of his little blunder was that Vane was recalled... and Calico Jack was elected captain.

He spent several months cruising the Caribbean, and it is said that he always attacked smaller ships, which were easier to terrify. One story claims it was because his ship (The Kingston) was RE-taken by its owner in Jamaica (C'mon, Jack!) that he decided to stop being a pirate. In late spring of 1719, Jack Rackham returned to New Providence and received a pardon from one Woodes Rogers for his piracy.

Perhaps he merely chose a poor place to swear off piracy, but when he began an affair with Anne Bonny, the pardon was soon forgotten. They had a baby that was eventually left in the care of some pirate families in Cuba, and Rackham returned to his former ways, stealing and terrorizing ships smaller than his... and taking Anne Bonny along, dressed as a man. (Erik's note: I think I'm committing piracy... with a man...)

They spent over a year attacking small vessels around the West Indies and took on a sailor that would later prove to be a woman named Mary Read. Calico Jack at first confronted the 'man' who was spending too much time around Anne, but later calmed down after discovering her identity and realizing the benefit of friendship for the two chicks. Unfortunately it appears that Calico Jack did not take well to Anne and Mary’s friendship, after all, and feeling like his authority was beginning to slide, he often sought solace in innumerable bottles of rum (Erik's note: I feel his pain!). As a result of this, Anne and Mary assumed the real leadership roles aboard the ship, only this time as "women" since they no longer had to hide their true sex with the pretence of masculinity.

What is said to have put an end to the exploits of Calico Jack occurred when the ship was eventually cornered by a King's vessel, subjected to a hail of cannon fire, which proved to be too much for the ship. The moment of battle occurred at a very inopportune time for the pirates as most of the crew including Captain Rackham were below decks in the depths of a drunken stupor and unable to fight.

Only Anne Bonny and Mary Read attempted to resist the attack, the women tried to sail the ship away, but it was soon overtaken. The entire crew was soon arrested and taken to Jamaica to be tried for piracy. This caused quite a stir because of the women pirates, but the women themselves escaped the noose because they got pregnant in prison by Jack and English law didn't allow the hanging of pregnant women.

Ahoy! Saved by the…uh, sperm? Captain Calico Jack Rackham, to his dismay, was not given leniency for his "contribution", and was hanged at Gallows Point, Port Royal later that same year.

And thus the story of Calico Jack comes to a halt there, yet it went on for the two women. Stay tuned next month for the history on these two notorious Pirate Girls, Anne Bonnie and Mary Read. Ladies, now that you know this story, you can pick up a Pirate Girl Tee, stick your chest out and show off that pink bow with pride!

Until the next time, aloha and ahoy!

Pirate Girl

(Erik's synopsis of the aforementioned tale of woe...)

Being a man, especially one who makes most of his living in an island harbor or in a boat directly out on the ocean, I have to point out a couple of flaws in the story above. Tatiana's research was accurate as far as historical accounts go, but the tone of the story makes poor Captain Jack look like a drunken bungling jackass (totally possibble). As if he just stumbled into a Captain position in the King's navy! I would argue that his original advancement to Captain was through the normal channels of years of dedicated service and exemplary performance at sea. Why Captain Jack chose piracy as his main form of income, Captain Jack only knows. But, if you were in a pirate's shoes, wouldst ye attack a ship of war superior to yer own? I say NAY! Ye wouldst attack the easy prey! (arrrgh the ways of the pirates). Then comes the women. Sure, Jack's a man. And any pirate (being the Captain or crew) would bring along his wench if he had the chance. All I'm saying is that Anne Bonney must have been one ugly bee-atch to pass for a man on a boat full of drunk horney sailors! Dear god! The smell of the men alone! Then there's the second pirate wench who took a liking to the Captain's "cabin girl" and subsequently felt his authority slip away. Now this is the 1700's! As if a crew of pirate scurvey dogs would take commands from the likes of the Captain's "women". In all reality the crew probably fought rumors and jealousy, and wound up reluctant to abide by the Captains wishes out of principal. The Captain then, in his wisdom, decided to make ammends with the forlorn crew by serving up a grand old party of "more rum fer me men!" Did the Captain ultimately make an unfortunate untimely decision, or did the king's navy attack at the most opportune time? All that we know is that the entire crew was hanged for piracy leaving only the two women to account for the happenings on the ship. Hmmm, the only two survivors happened to be the only two heros... Sound a little stretched to me. But I guess we'll never know. I personally can't wait until next month to hear the remainder of the story of the two pirate maidens. You go pirate girls!