|
In this issue: 1. The Husband Super
Store Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands... First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?" Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor; so, further up they went. Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor: The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
by Pirate Girl Here we are, just 2 days away from Christmas day and I am just sitting down to write my December article. This is the time of year when I feel like burying myself into work or running away to a country that has never heard of St. Nick. Not that I am being a Scrooge, but yearly I am appalled by how intense the media Is at telling us all what we should be buying, eating, doing and listening to. All BECAUSE it’s Christmas! And even if you don’t “buy it” there are plenty of guilt prodder techniques out there to make you feel you should participate. For me, it’s not too difficult to not plug into it all, but it’s a bit more Difficult to escape the Christmas music though. I’m in the security line at the Airport…Come upon ye faithful, is playing subliminally. I walk into the restaurant and it’s Grandma got ran over by a reindeer. Today I am in a coffee shop and I hear The 12 Days of Christmas. I would usually, out of learned habit shut this out. But for whatever reason this time I actually listened to the whole thing. Then it hit me. The idea for my December article: Has anybody ever thought about what that song is saying? And this "true love" Character, he must have been richer than Mr. 50-Cent himself. I wondered if anybody had ever thought of what it would actually cost to get your true love ALL of those items for Christmas. So naturally, I looked into it. It presents a ridiculous scenario. First of all, the song suggests a foul purchase of 184 birds. (Not including fees, but I’ll get to that). It also presents an employment haphazard, having to hire all the maids, dancers, stuntmen, pipers and drummers. All these people would have to be offered benefits and covered by insurance during the one to five days that their services would be required. The partridges will run the true lover $77.50. Not to mention that all these will Need to be planted, because cutting down trees for the hell of it will make me come over there and smack you one myself. (My big argument with raising trees all year round to cut them down for Xmas is just another story altogether…) Now, if you are a true lover you’ll need 2 turtle doves. This presents a huge problem, since the latest Wild Life Protection laws have these babies as endangered and protected species. These, like mastercard, are "priceless." The next closest "generic white dove" will run your true love $58.00. The French Hens will be a breeze, even a free-range will only cost you $3.99/kilo, so approximately $15 bucks. (Wow, that’s less than a dozen roses!) On the Fourth Day of Xmas we encounter further avian problems. The four Colly birds are also a protected species, which cannot be taken from the Wild. . The closest bird of a feather for this crazy true lover is to get two pairs of Mynahs, which come in at a not-so-feathery price of $400.00 (depending on your source). Five golden rings (Fiiiiiiiiiiive golden rings!!!!... otherwise known as the most annoying part of the song in my opinion) will always be available anywhere from Macy’s to Tiffany’s. Price fluctuations will be seen with Gold’s projected value that particular year. For argument’s sake (and the phone call I just made to Zale’s jewelers) and assuming the true lover would of course choose with class, the gold rings slip on at around $361.25. (And here’s yet another ridiculous thing to consider in this shopping spree, who outside of trailer park heaven wears a ring on EACH finger?) Guess what. We have more birds, only these ones were in heat and now they are a-laying. The swans have apparently finished with that business because they are now a-swimming. These two species, however, are the most reasonably priced of the birds. Thanks to the Wild Foul and Wetlands Trust, which offers a sponsor-adoption program. Supporters can adopt 6 barnacle geese for $150.00 and 7 wild Bewick’s or Whooper swans for $3,500.00 As if dealing with the mess the birds are sure to make, part of the true lover’s gift entails employing 8 milkmaids, where the mood of the workers’ union will have to be considered. Today you can milk it down to minimum wage per day per milkmaid. The ladies dancing will be a bit of a pain in the ass. Trust me, I am a dancer and have been around them in the dressing room. Nine of these chicks hired from the Royal Ballet (again, we assume this true lover has class and more money than God) will plie’ a hefty $4,230.89 for the 4 day engagement. The Lords a-leaping landed just below the dancers, claiming maximum daily expenses, specially if they happened to be members of one of the Stuntman’s Associations of America. This includes covering their overnight stays leaping up to $3,921.44 The musicians are another matter, demanding a minimum of 3 hours per gig and the drummers charge extra for the trouble of handling and transporting their kits. The 11 pipers come in at a piping $1982.40, and 12 drummers drum up a $2147.60 for this Christmas serenade. That said, the true cost of Christmas in the song is $65,264 and some change. (No need to get out your calculators, as I have figured it out already. Bear in mind that this is a gross approximation, based on haphazard research came about by a you-would-think-I-had-nothing-better-to-do curiosity that probably killed the cat in the end.) Of course, if I were the girl that was getting all these things for Christmas from my true love, after having to deal with all the noise, the smell, the bird shit everywhere and all the drunk musicians and dancers laying all over my living room by the end of the 12 days I would press charges against this man and lock him in a closet for 12 days with our two Ninja cats. So, I’ll leave you with MY version of the 12 days of Christmas song: (Make sure you hum along the correct melody to my lyrics) On the first day of Christmas, |
|
All Content ©
2005 - 2008 Erik Pietsch - The Whale Shark. All rights reserved |
|